and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
