It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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