He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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