The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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