Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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