just come out here and I will go home with you...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
