Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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