I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize