haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
