She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
