Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
