My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
