I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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