Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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