I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
