The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
