umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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