I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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