mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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