when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
