I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I believe in your delicious
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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