I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Welp...herpes.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
