my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize