Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
