My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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