Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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