our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
