this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
