I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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