im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
