He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
