He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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