Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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