found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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