Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
