I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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