i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
