I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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