I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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