Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
