you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
