"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize