ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
