That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
