I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
