Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
