Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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