Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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