Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
