So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
