Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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