you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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