Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
