im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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