the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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