Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize