So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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