YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
