i think my mom watched the whole time
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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