flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
