If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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