Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
