my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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