dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
