Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
