god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
