I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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