Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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