If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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