so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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