Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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