also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
