he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
